Monday, March 15, 2010
Here are the new automotive rules for 2010:
Frequent garage sale shoppers must drive a Ford Aerostar or Chevy Astro van. Acceptable substitues include the Chevy Lumina APV, 90s Honda Accord with mismatched wheels and any Toyota Pickup sold before 1988.
Attractive college girls will drive a Jetta, formerly attractive college girls trying to prove youthful sassiness and continued attractiveness will drive a VW Beetle.
Girls who are average looking but believe they're super hot will continue to drive BMW 3-series coupes. Weasely guys who just want to drive a 3-series will continue to ask them out.
Creepers who hang out at 7-11 still have to drive full size vans including old, clapped out van conversions, former ambulances purchased at auction or and van with curtains in the back window and a Bud Man bumper sticker. This year, the Chevy HHR is added to the list.
Short guys must still drive lifted Silverados although an F-150 will work too. Bonus knob points for custom mud flaps, super spooky skull grill ornament and flames of any kind. Anyone driver under 5' 6" must have rubber nuts hanging from the tow hitch. Don't have a tow hitch? Then you're probably taller than 5' 6"
West Hollywood queens are still stuck with the Lexus SC430 but a Chrylser Sebring will work if you can't afford the Lexus. The BMW 1-series convertible and Mitsubishi Eclipse are now available in this category too.
"Big girls" wishing to appear more dainty and petite will drive a PT Cruiser - decorating it with cute little stuffed animals and "I'm a Princess" license plate frame is a plus. As a side note, wearing Mickey Mouse PJs and Bart Simpson slippers in public really tricks the eye and brain into thinking you're much thinner, please keep doing this. (Bugs Bunny and Marvin the Martian work too).
Hollywood, Burbank and Studio City production assistants must keep driving the Toyota Yaris or an old Geo Metro. Sorry, those are your only choices. And I said F&^%$$ VANILLA LATTE with a SPRITZ of ORANGE!!!
And finally, there's no change for the 'Hood Rat category. You will continue to drive the Dodge Intrepid or Chevy Caprice. 'Hood rats that have acheived some success with drive Monte Carlos with two tone paint - preferably silver and orange or green and black.